Bridal Blues

Full disclosure- as noted, I am to marry in a month. So perhaps the 1950’s/Mad Men era has taken me by my dainty wrist and led me to the Married Wife fantasy still lingering from childhood. We’ve discussed my horror at my growing appreciation for J Crew. At any rate, I am slipping into my bride shoes (pink lame flats, oh baby) and simply want to list a few bridal trends I have had to endure during the planning process, that I sincerely hope die out before the next batch of June/September brides take the plunge.

1. Strapless princess dresses. If you must do them, discover the rowing machine at the gym and make sure the waistline is at your waist, or you will be one doomed little princess. You really must take care here- no one will *ever* tell you that you look like a traffic cone in the gown of your dreams, so be honest with yourself. Vera Wang stopped making those dresses ages ago- even she is tired of them.

2. Brides cooing over their Vera Wang gowns. Look, Vera got sick of the wedding industry and branched out, but not before introducing multiple lines of her wedding designs, meaning that absolutely anyone can find a way to get one of her dresses. Which is great- I fully support accessibility to fashion- but don’t say it like an elitist. You want to impress on a solely superficial bling bling kind of level? Get a L’Hullier or shush.

3. Ice luges. It’s on Platinum Weddings every week. I.e., it’s old news and congrats for spending a few grand on ice, genius.

4. Monograms and crystals on everything. See above. Pretty sure your guests know it’s your wedding btw, and there’s no reason to make a perfectly pretty room look like Aunt Gertie’s old chandelier.

5. Chocolate brown and any color. It just makes me hungry for chocolate really.

6. Tulle. White tulle is the worst.

7. Group dances. The dj should be instructed that every event is a NO REQUESTS EVENT.

8. Save the date magnets. Just send out the goddamned invite already.

9. Bachelorette party tiaras and/or party gear. We get it, your special. Why not wear something knockout rather than your safe black tank top, too tight jeans, and a sash with crusty glitter glue falling off one letter at a time- B-R-I-D… (Personally, I wore this black sparkly number in mourning of my single days, and still got plenty of attention).

10. Square tables and lace mermaid dresses. Just because I am jealous- my fiancé wanted round tables and I already have an awesome dress . Drats. There’s always recommitment ceremonies I suppose.

In terms of a bridal trend I do love, I have to say, the web pages devoted to bridal planning are enough to keep you inspired style wise for all areas of your life. I love looking at inksandsnippets.blogspot (below) and offbeatbride.blogspot just to see ideas for parties, house decorating, and general living aesthetics. If we lived as well as we partied, the world would simply be a more beautiful place!