Fashionopedia

I think I got double-schooled this week from the usually geeky news industry. In nearly back to back articles, the NYT and Slate laid down the index on modern fashionista reference materials, all online, and none of which I check out. My online fashionista-ing usually extends only so far as heckling WaPo’s Talking Fashion (Whaddya mean you can’t think of a single place to find a decent Kamali knockoff for less than three hundred bucks?! Why do you then extol the virtues of Nine West flats, given their shelf life of six working days?) and playing around with Polyvore.com, a nifty feature that lets you upload or copy images at willy nilly on to a fashion board- fashion plate if you will (chortle). Ok, sometimes I go to US Weekly to vote on outfits, but really, that’s it, and it’s just because I feel bad that the adventurous or curvy girls always lose by a ten percent margin.

Anyhow, apparently all yalls have been going online to look at the glossies in scroll down style. But really, have you? How popular are these styles? And given that people are still wearing those lousy peace scarves from two years back like it the hippest happening since heydom, is fashion really such a rapidly altering art? I suspect not. I was recently approached by a local media team, who offered me free botox if I would just try on some wedding gowns and make a few statements about demanding perfection on my wedding day. Then I went on to Craigslist's tv jobs, and saw all the ads for people by the local news outlets for the kind of stories the news wants to be true. I am beginning to think all news-related hype and trend are manufactured! Perhaps NYT and SLT just needed something to write about.

But am still going to read up, just in case.

Special attention should be mentioned for http://www.flickr.com/groups/wardrobe_remix/pool, where readers upload pix of them in their outfits for feedback. Very gutsy and cool, but I have to say. I would have adored them more before the last year of devotedly watching TLC’s What Not to Wear. I have come to realize there are subtler ways to play up the funk then a peace scarf, Ray-Bans, and ratty chucks with a sun dress. I won’t name anyone here but you know who you are and what street market you frequent for those terrible plastic earrings…….

Bridal Blues

Full disclosure- as noted, I am to marry in a month. So perhaps the 1950’s/Mad Men era has taken me by my dainty wrist and led me to the Married Wife fantasy still lingering from childhood. We’ve discussed my horror at my growing appreciation for J Crew. At any rate, I am slipping into my bride shoes (pink lame flats, oh baby) and simply want to list a few bridal trends I have had to endure during the planning process, that I sincerely hope die out before the next batch of June/September brides take the plunge.

1. Strapless princess dresses. If you must do them, discover the rowing machine at the gym and make sure the waistline is at your waist, or you will be one doomed little princess. You really must take care here- no one will *ever* tell you that you look like a traffic cone in the gown of your dreams, so be honest with yourself. Vera Wang stopped making those dresses ages ago- even she is tired of them.

2. Brides cooing over their Vera Wang gowns. Look, Vera got sick of the wedding industry and branched out, but not before introducing multiple lines of her wedding designs, meaning that absolutely anyone can find a way to get one of her dresses. Which is great- I fully support accessibility to fashion- but don’t say it like an elitist. You want to impress on a solely superficial bling bling kind of level? Get a L’Hullier or shush.

3. Ice luges. It’s on Platinum Weddings every week. I.e., it’s old news and congrats for spending a few grand on ice, genius.

4. Monograms and crystals on everything. See above. Pretty sure your guests know it’s your wedding btw, and there’s no reason to make a perfectly pretty room look like Aunt Gertie’s old chandelier.

5. Chocolate brown and any color. It just makes me hungry for chocolate really.

6. Tulle. White tulle is the worst.

7. Group dances. The dj should be instructed that every event is a NO REQUESTS EVENT.

8. Save the date magnets. Just send out the goddamned invite already.

9. Bachelorette party tiaras and/or party gear. We get it, your special. Why not wear something knockout rather than your safe black tank top, too tight jeans, and a sash with crusty glitter glue falling off one letter at a time- B-R-I-D… (Personally, I wore this black sparkly number in mourning of my single days, and still got plenty of attention).

10. Square tables and lace mermaid dresses. Just because I am jealous- my fiancé wanted round tables and I already have an awesome dress . Drats. There’s always recommitment ceremonies I suppose.

In terms of a bridal trend I do love, I have to say, the web pages devoted to bridal planning are enough to keep you inspired style wise for all areas of your life. I love looking at inksandsnippets.blogspot (below) and offbeatbride.blogspot just to see ideas for parties, house decorating, and general living aesthetics. If we lived as well as we partied, the world would simply be a more beautiful place!

What do we aspire to now?

Speaking of Lipstick Mafia Cashmere Jungle, which I have attempted to watch solely for the clothes, which also were terrorific- why are men out there making such bad shows? We get it. You’re busy. You have a Blackberry. And you should get the same paycheck as anyone else doing your job, male or female. And to balance it all with family, oy.

More like ow. Stop hitting me over the head with it. Why not discuss the subtler nuances of how difficult it is to prove that you deserve a better salary when the obvious culprit holding you back is gender? Why not a brief lesson on wage and labor laws designed to protect individuals in such situations? Why not have a story line about the subtle discriminatory interplays in the workplace as opposed to gasp! A business transaction in a sex club! It’s insulting and ow- my head hurts.

But more insulting is the clothes. The show that both shows want to emulate is Sex and the City. Well, there’s no Patricia Fields on those sets. The clothes are exactly those cut by a man who wants a woman to seem fashionable. Glaring matchy color combinations and oversized accessories dominate the set. There’s also the ridiculous cuts that don’t flatter and the absolute lack of fun weighing down the actresses as they trip down the street.

What made SATC and style icons generally work was their ability to impart their personality and their surroundings in their outfit. The clothes always flatter, and the twists are more subtle. Fashion is a nuanced art with a history, not simply the most flamboyant hat and oversized zebra clutch imaginable. Watching these shows reminds me of eighth grade, when my poor misdirected soul thought the height of fashion was to wear thin neon socks layered in hues that alternated on each foot.

So perhaps the bar was set too high with Mad Men and Friday Night Lights, or shoulder chip firmly lodged by Cashmere Lipstick, but I did not enter into viewing Gossip Girl with the best mind set. What is this show about? It lacks the gusto of the OC and the clothes are Forever 21 as displayed on a Forever 21 mannequin oin a Forever 21 window. I get that some of the purses are expensive, but they are also incredibly unattractive. It’s soap opera quality bad, but worse as it takes itself so seriously. Have I gotten too old or is there something I am missing? Short of the brilliant marketing on its website, which allows you to buy clothes by the episode, nothing hit me as extraordinary, but I will give it a few more weeks. There’s not much else on until the Office and Biggest Loser return anyhow.

Mad Women

A few more words on sheath dresses, please. Sweet jesus, thank you for bringing these back. Having discovered Mad Men this month in a weekend telethon, I sometimes pause my Tivo every time Joan walks into a room. She has the same dress in five colors, and each one is breath taking.

I was encouraged to order my own body shaper- really so much more convenient than worrying about bra and panty lines, and this has been the fruition of a trend introduced with your very first pair of Spanx, so don’t tell me you aren’t curious. These wondrous things mean that you can eat dinner and wear viscose. Also, lord, please bless the littleshapers of the world and all the good they do.

What does it mean tho, this return to the 50’s stylings and the rapidly growing success of Mad Men? Are we seeking a more classier world view in reaction to the past ten years of reality tv and college lesbianism? The NYT noted that teenagers seemed to be reaching to cover up as opposed to flaunting it all. Hollywood has honed the art of “bump watching” through its glorification of all things pregnant, from teen Jamie Lynn to omgwhereisyourhead Angelina Jolie.

Eva Longoria Parker even bragged recently that she was a “1950’s housewife”, in contrast to some of her boozy, wild counterparts. Um, well..

Are we playing housewife dress up in a dogged determination to find something, anything, new to do? Are we scared of a big bad recession, and want to return to a mindset where we have a secure place and income, and only open our wallet for a few choice pieces?

Or was Lipstick Jungle just such a terrible executed show that we ran running the other way?